Is it just me?
I want to get more personal artwork done. Instead, I find myself bogged down in work. Smothered. For the most part, I enjoy my work. Lately, however, I feel the pressure of not having enough time for my personal artwork. Tick, tick; ultra-aware that it’s all ticking by. I look at the calendar and am staggered that September is almost here. When I was younger I was told that as you get older, time whizzes by. I am older. It is whizzing. I cannot seem to stuff enough of what I want to do into the minutes I have.
While at the Festival of Quilts show, I marveled at all of the beautiful work I saw. But I had a mixture of feelings going on: happiness — from meeting some people and reconnecting with others, inspiration from a lot of work I saw, pride from seeing my quilt on display at the SAQA exhibit and finding a vendor who was selling my book — right to a claustrophobic almost depression wave coming over me because I just cannot seem to produce the way I want to produce and I feel left out. Left out? I have a quilt in the show and a book being sold. How on earth can I feel left out? A want to smack myself!
And so goes that internal argument bouncing around inside my head. I hear myself saying that I’m being silly and have my priorites out of whack. I remind myself to reflect on what I have accomplished instead of pressuring myself over what I haven’t. Yet then I’m right back to feeling the pressure of not doing enough. But what is enough?
I read that in some cultures many are happy because expectiations are very low. Then, anything accomplished is a source of joy, a bonus. All in the community are collectively happy. Sounds good in theroy. Yet here I sit, feeling like I’ve missed the train of excitment and am instead wallowing in a stagnant mush of ho-hum. Oh what I whinner! Stop whinning, start working. Stop working, relax. Relax. Relax. And get some sleep! Oh … it’s after 3 a.m. Maybe the best thing is to get some sleep and delete this post in the morning. It is morning. Sleep, and then get working. And relaxing. And stop the whinning. And make something already. Please.
The next moring …
I woke feeling better. And I remembered my post about egg timers and getting it done, which you can read here. :)
August 29th, 2009 at 6:14 am
nope it’s not just you…
August 29th, 2009 at 8:14 am
You have my sympathies — I have felt the same way at times (but without the successful book and a quilt in a major show!). I think it may be worth reflecting a bit on what your goals are and why you felt left out. Try to remember what you were thinking when you felt depressed. Are you feeling less joy in your process? Less freedom? Or maybe your work is fine but you need more balance in your life (more sleep, more time with friends/family, more play). Remember that *you* are the one who sets your own priorities, and it may be that traditional measures of success are not your main goals. It sounds like you are pressuring yourself to be happy, which doesn’t generally work. You are entitled to your feelings, and it is normal to feel a bit down after a major project is completed.
This may be unwanted advice, but in case this helps, here goes:
Give yourself a couple of days and see if the feelings persist. If you feel better after a good sleep and the dissatisfaction and depression don’t recur, it was probably exhaustion, post-project let-down, or something like that. No need to push it further and probe at something transient.
If the feelings persist, take some time to reflect on your goals and think about what might be prompting these feelings. Do you need to shift your work priorities, or change the balance in your life, or change your process in some way so as to better achieve your goals? This may have nothing to do with work — you might decide that you are actually frustrated with another area of your life, or that you are longing to pursue a totally separate goal.
If everything really does seem fine, and you can’t identify anything that needs to change, there are strategies for improving our happiness that have been scientifically documented. I would recommend _The How of Happiness_ by Sonja Lyubomirsky, in which she describes the relevant research and makes concrete, specific recommendations for increasing happiness. Having low expectations, by the way, does not seem to be the key to being happier. The key seems to be feeling that we are making progress towards our goals — so having high expectations is fine, as long as we feel that we are actually making progress, rather than stagnating (From: Diener, E., Suh, E. M., Lucas, R. E., & Smith, H. L. (1999). Subjective well-being: Three decades of progress. Psychological Bulletin, 125, 276-302). I notice that you mentioned feeling stagnant — it might be worth exploring that feeling and thinking about what would make you feel more like you were progressing. Or if you decide that your thoughts really are just wrong, then you can talk back to them. You might think “I’m not making any progress!” and then think “No, that’s not true. I just spent 3 hours working on my newest project, and I think it is coming along well. I definitely *am* making progress!” There are good books on cognitive therapy that describe this kind of self-talk (_Feeling Good_ by David Burns is a classic in the field).
In any case, I hope you feel better soon!
August 29th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Deborah,
I woke feeling much better. No idea why. Maybe I just needed a good night sleep.
At times I do feel like everything is speeding by. It may be an upcoming big birthday (end of October) also be in the mix. The sudden feeling of “oh my gosh, I need to get it done, and fast.”
In any event, I thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and helpful response. I have a credit balance with Amazon, I’ll have to read The How of Happiness. Besides, at this point in my life I doubt there is any way to lower expectations without also feeling like I’ve given up.
August 29th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Shall we share Deborah’s recommeded book? :)
August 29th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I have felt the same way for some time now. I just don’t feel like my work is ever going to catch up! Its making me feel like doing less work, and then any time spent reading blogs of all the prolific artists out there reinforce that feeling of “not good enough”. Maybe I’ll get a copy of that book!
August 29th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Sue, my comment about sharing Deborah’s book was directed at you, but I see it’s out of order! :)
Mandi, yes, reading blogs sometimes does reinforce that others are doing more. But it’s probably a grass is always greener on the other side type of thing. I suspect that book is going to be sold out soon. :)
August 29th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Perhaps if you could switch the thinking from the need “to get it done” to simply doing you might feel the joyous draw of it, its allure, and let yourself work …? or not.
August 29th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Nope. It’s not just you, Gloria. For me, feeling like I haven’t done “enough” with my time is second only to perfectionism. We are so very hard on ourselves! My husband regularly reminds me that it’s those of us who are the most productive and the most conscientious about our work who seem to have the most difficult time being kind to ourselves.
He likens it to those who are the most organized being the same people who buy the majority of time management and organizational tools. Sigh.
August 29th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Fulvia, yes, on a good day I do enjoy the process. Life is good when I’m in the middle of my own work. The issue lately is that I’m putting a lot of time into the work that pays the bills. I need more me time. I do try to devote at least some time each day. Lately, however, I’ve been having trouble even getting that in. Whine, whine. I know.
August 29th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I have had an unproductive year in terms of not having any work to show, or anything to put up on my blog, and it is frustrating. I too feel the clock galloping. On the other hand I have instilled a love of sewing and quilting into many “newbies” through the classes I teach. I am now hoping that I can start working on some more creative work. Like Gloria, there are some days I get little done and others that I can accomplish stuff. I am so glad to read that I am not alone in the way I feel—often I feel that it is just me.
August 29th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I’m glad you are feeling better, Gloria! Sometimes a good night’s sleep will put much to right. ;) It does sounds like you are concerned about the balance of work-art in your life — I know how you feel. (Truly!) It is really hard to juggle it all and there are never enough hours in the day. I hope you find (or create) more time for your own work. It’s not whining to identify the problem and express your feelings . . . or if it is, we are all in need of a good whine every once in a while! The only question is what you want to do next; what are your options and how can you ameliorate the issue?
In any case, thank you for your kind response to my comment, and I hope I was able to help.
August 29th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Clara, yes, I suspect we are too hard on ourselves. I try not to take everything so seriously. Maybe I need to get out more and laugh with good friends. :)
August 29th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Deborah, again, thank YOU! And, yes, you did help. That book is on my list. :)
August 30th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Gloria, for years I worked to support myself and my kids and felt creatively squelched, but I would take whole weekends or set aside certain evenings to sew just for the joy of it. I’d make curtains and table covers for around the house so that I could see my accomplishments. Now,each morning, even if I have to get up early, I spend some time in my studio to soak up some of that joy.
Middle of the night thoughts always seem to be dark for me…my son’s going to war again soon and I’m preparing my vendor booth at an Atlanta quilt show (yipes!). Thank goodness for morning.
Here’s what I was taught: Keep to-do lists short; anything more I do in the day will be a bonus. I create my own disappointment by having super-woman expectations of myself.
Best of joy to you.
August 30th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Anita, thank you. And what a great line: “I create my own disappointment by having super-woman expectations of myself.”
I had two nieces who served in Iraq. Granted, not my children, but still a bit nerve wrenching. That was, however, years ago. Both now have very different lives. The thought of your son going again — my heart goes out to you.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:39 am
Gloria —
First of all, you’re not whining — you’re expressing the frustrations of all of us who ask ourselves daily, “What have I done today that’s important?” And 3:00 AM is not the greatest time for anyone to assess their own worth!
I read somewhere that, if it’s the only thing you do each day, go into the studio and fondle the fabric. It reminds you of what you have achieved and of what you can continue to do. And in your case, you have so many talents that I imagine it would be difficult for you to fulfill all of your aspirations in several lifetimes, let alone one.
Please remember the wonderful things that the women at QBL told you about your work; so much of what you have done may not be in your memory right now, but your accomplishments are obviously in the minds and hearts of many other admirers. I am still inspired by the story you told of having entered a quilt show for 20 years before winning an award — I would have given up after three.
And please know that your blog is reaching so many of us and we are learning from it constantly. There can be no greater accomplishment in life than to share so generously your time and talents with others. Thank you for your gifts.
Diane
August 31st, 2009 at 10:47 am
wow, Diane, thank you. I’m overwhelmed.